How does it feel to be beaten to death with a pair of Christmas shoes?

Since it is that time of year, I'd like to talk about my all time favorite bad Christmas song: The Christmas Shoes. For those of you who haven't had the (mis)fortune of hearing this gem, let me give you a recap:

A man is in a department store on Christmas Eve buying some last second gifts when he notices that a very poor young boy is in front of him in line holding a pair of shoes. As the kid tries to buy them, the cashier tells him that he doesn't have enough money. The child proceeds to turn to our narrator and explain that these shoes are for his dying mother and he "wants her to look beautiful if momma meets Jesus tonight." <Sigh>, it looks like there may not be a Christmas for little Billy this year... But Wait! The man, touched by this selfless gesture, puts the money on the counter and pays for the shoes, and explains that he knew that god had sent the child here to remind the narrator what christmas is all about... phew...

I thought this song was a joke the first time I heard it last winter. The plot alone does not do it justice, one has to listen to the overly sappy instrumantation and singing style (the little boy singing the final line doesn't hurt either) to truely appreciate how cheezy this piece of music is(overlooking the arrogance the narrator shows in thinking that god would choose to kill a child's mother just to remind his privileged-ass about the true meaning of Christmas)... I recently found out that a TV movie starring Rob Lowe was made based on this song, which has skyrocked to the top of my list of horrible movies I have to see.

What I really want to discuss about this song is that I had an epiphany the last time The Christmas Shoes came on the radio. The narrator totally got Scammed! I see this all the time living here and I can't believe I never figured it out before. This kid goes to different stores during the holiday season and tries to buy expensive gifts for his "dying mother" with a fraction of the necessary money. When he is told that he doesn't have enough, he tells his sob story to the unsuspecting, hand-picked customer behind him(the "mommy meets Jesus" line is pure gold...), and gets them to buy the item for him. Fifteen minutes later, he returns to the store, item and recipt in hand, and gets a full refund. It looks as though little Billy will get one hell of a Christmas this year.

I think I'd rather have the roasting chestnutz...